If you've ever lost someone or even just been disappointed, you've heard it. But what does "time heals all wounds" even mean? It's a trite expression at best, especially when facing the profound sense of loss accompanying death. It's not something I'd recommend saying to someone who is grieving, but like many cliches, it does harbor a speck of truth. Read on to learn my take on what "time heals all wounds" means in grief, a parable of jagged stones.
What "Time Heals All Wounds" Does NOT Mean
We often take this phrase far too literally. We assume the person means that eventually, likely sooner than we think, we will be totally fine with little memory of the grief. We assume that a healed wound is barely noticeable and requires no attention. The idea that the wound of grief could ever be healed can feel blasphemous when the wound is what reminds you of a lost loved one.
The emphasis on time is particularly troubling and can feel like a deadline for grief, as if at some point you should have worked through it all and be back to normal. In a society where grief is not allowed to linger, this unintentional meaning can be more damaging than we realize.
What "Time Heals All Wounds" Means
In the early days after my husband's death, it was the strangest things that would send me into overwhelming sadness. The pie in the freezer I convinced him not to eat at Christmas because I was worried about his blood sugar. A sudden memory of helping him down the hall on a cruise. So many songs that we sang, he played, or we performed.
One day, my father-in-law and I were talking about these random little pieces that trigger intense grief. He said something really wise that I'll never forget. "When someone you love dies, your memories are like jagged stones, but they get smoother with time." I've expanded the thought into an allegory that I believe captures what really happens to grief over time. I believe this is the true meaning of "time heals all wounds".
The Parable of Jagged Stones
When someone you love dies, all of your memories of them are like jagged stones. When you hold them, they cut you with such intensity that it can be difficult to see the beauty.
You can't avoid memories entirely, but many people choose not to hold the stones in their hands very long. They throw them across the room when they land in their hand out of nowhere. They sweep them away when they show up in piles on certain days and milestones. They never reach for them intentionally. Their stones stay jagged and continue to sting with the same intensity they had in the beginning.
But some people hold each stone as it comes. They seek out stones so they don't forget. They hold them in their hands with care, feeling the intensity of the sting and recognizing the beauty beneath it. And this is where the magic happens. Because holding the stone polishes it.
Each time we encounter the same stone, it cuts a bit less. Eventually, those memories that once cut so deeply are beautifully polished stones we look forward to holding.
"Time Heals All Wounds" By Forcing Us To Polish Stones
Some memories can be easy to set aside and forget, but many are connected to particular seasons and dates which come around year after year. They remind us and force us to hold them in our hands. These time-based memories are jagged stones we cannot ignore, and over time, they soften just like the other jagged stones we carry.
Time won't make grief go away. It's okay to be forever changed by loss. But if we allow ourselves to feel the sting of our most jagged memories, if we sit with them through time, a more peaceful form of grief will gradually find us. And isn't that what we're after?
To be able to remember in peace.
The "Healed" Wound of Grief
I know it's what he would want, but it's still difficult to admit that the overwhelmingly heavy days of grief are behind me.
Most days, I'm out living my life, and I genuinely believe I'm just about as "healed" as I'm going to get. Even so, I have moments and days where I sit with the grief more intimately, unable, but also not wanting, to escape it.
Time has transformed my grief into its most peaceful and abiding version. Time hasn't erased the wound; it has healed it into a beautiful scar that I'll always retrace and cherish.
My memories of jagged stone are mostly polished these days, and they are my greatest treasures.
