This post has been sitting as a draft in my archive for almost a year. It is one of several that I just couldn't bring myself to publish - but now is the time. I'm is who I'm is... take it or leave it. Curse words and all.
When you write about your life, you have to be willing to be honest - or you have to be good at pretending. And I'm not 100% sure which one I used to be. I don't know if the old me was the real version of who I was or the lie I was telling myself. But ultimately it doesn't matter. Because I know who I am right now, and I think I'm starting to know who I want to be.
I'm 30. And I'm no longer the same woman.
Adulthood feels a lot darker than I expected - and even the good parts are so much more raw and ordinary than I thought they'd be. When I step back and look at my life as a narrative, I can't believe it feels like a normal life as I live it. Is everyone else really going through all this same shit?
But see, I'm also a brander. I understand marketing, and I've marketed this blog to a specific audience - one who has followed me through one hell of a journey up to this point. I love these readers, followers, and supporters. I know who they think I am and who they have found inspiration in. But I'm not her anymore.
I can't gloss over the curse words and sex and angst in my soul anymore.
I don't know if the life I'm living right now is glamorous or glorious or even all that adult. I spend most of my day scared, confused, and numb to the outside world.
But something is changing inside of me, and I feel like I'm shedding old skin and a whole lot of falsehoods.
I've been hiding from this blog for too long, afraid I would offend and probably a little afraid to admit to myself who I am. I've spent so much of my life painting on a smile - being kind rather than honest, and that wears on an artist's soul.
No more marketing. Just raw reality.
Take it or fucking leave it.
