Two days after my husband was arrested, I stood in the bathroom brushing my hair at the end of the day. I was still in shock – paralyzed in a walking coma. As I stood there looking in the mirror – eyes red from crying, skin pale from lack of sleep, body vibrating from too much caffeine and not enough food – I thanked God that the day was over.
“I never have to live this day again,” I told myself.
As I gratefully crossed the day off of the calendar in my mind, I remembered the times I wished perfect days would never end. I thought back to uninhibited nighttime talks with my best friend – the only time she would ever tell me who she liked. I thought about nighttime conversations with my Dad in the lulls between migraines. I remembered staying up too late the entire week before the boy I loved left. I thought of the excitement and newness of a honeymoon with my husband and countless days after that were too perfect to come to a close. I remembered playing games and laughing with my brother, Mom, and step-dad. I saw Grandma’s smiling face as she listened to the family sing. Those days ended too soon. Each one slipped through my fingers, no matter how hard I tried to hold on. There was nothing I could do to stop time from moving.
As I stood there at the end of my worst day – the day I was so grateful never to have to live again, I realized that somewhere, someone was having their best day. They were getting engaged. They were holding their newborn child. They were being reunited. They were getting married. They were on vacation. They were laughing and playing games. They were feeling loved and happy, and they didn’t want the day to end – they wanted it to stretch on forever.
That’s the beauty of time. It’s constant. My best day and my worst day contain the same number of hours, minutes, and seconds. And I couldn’t take an hour away from that terrible day because I would have been robbing someone of precious moments that they will cherish forever.
In a way, I guess it could have made me angrier, knowing that happiness existed in the depths of my despair, but it didn’t. It gave me hope and peace. I looked in the mirror, stood up tall, and realized that it was only a matter of time until I would have another best day again. I knew that eventually, I would stop surviving and start living. Eventually, I would have a day that I never wanted to end.
For then, that was enough to take the edge off of the pain. Just knowing that happiness waited ahead gave me the faith to keep swimming through the darkness until I found it. Life moves on. It’s pretty much the only thing we can count on.
Updates
Relationship: We are separated. I told him a few weeks ago that I want a divorce. Obviously, this was a complicated decision, and not something that I have been broadcasting all over the place. I do not know how quickly the process will move. I am still trying my best to support him as a friend; I just can’t be his wife anymore.
House: The house passed an occupancy inspection, but there are still some things that need to be done before I move in. I’ve been terrible about posting progress, but I promise I’ll do better in the future. Also, I will be looking for a roommate here soon so keep your eyes and ears open.
Career: Can I be honest? I still feel so overwhelmed by the logistics of daily life. I’ve only subbed twice in the past few weeks and you can see how well I’ve been keeping up the blog. The plan is to sub 3 times next week and write a blog update about the house.
Thanks again for all of your support. You are all truly amazing. I feel your love and prayers on a daily basis, and I would never have been able to come this far without your kindness. Thank you for all that you are and all that you inspire me to become.
