When I went to see a therapist last November, she told me I was very well-adjusted considering everything going on in my life. To be honest, I wasn’t particularly surprised to hear that. Unlike a lot of people, I spend tons of time analyzing my thoughts and feelings, perhaps too much time. Maybe it’s part of being a writer and a romantic. I need to understand my inner world so I know how best to share it with the people around me.
But here’s the thing… I don’t always have it figured out. Sometimes, my thoughts and feelings are so chaotic and jumbled that there’s no way to put them into a pretty package of words – at least a package that is 100% true. And so, when that happens, I disappear. If you go back and look at the history of this blog, there are gaps where the writing has just stopped, sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month, sometimes for even longer. Almost always, these gaps have occurred when I have been trying to sort through something complicated in my life.
You see, I have this problem where I want to be totally genuine and authentic on here. I want to be the truest version of myself; I want to let you into my story and allow you to experience it with me – so that hopefully, it can help you with your story. But sometimes, I don’t even have words for my story. Sometimes, the thoughts and feelings are so jumbled that they can’t be written in complete sentences. I don’t know what the lesson is – I don’t know what the choice is – I don’t know what the story is. The strange thing is that it doesn’t just make it difficult for me to write about the topic I’m sorting through; it keeps me from even writing about what to wear to baseball games and how to have a great road trip. I have no idea why I am this way… it’s just who I am.
So, I hope you will forgive my silence as I work through the complications in my life. And in the meantime, I’d like to share something I wrote a few months ago. It’s one of a handful of songs I’ve written in this process of self-reflection and discovery. I won’t promise that it’s any good… but I will promise that it is a piece of my soul.
(Reminder: I am NOT a professional singer, video recorder, or songwriter. I’m just a poet who likes to sing – so don’t get your hopes up too much.)
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